no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
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who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
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Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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