I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
