apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
