Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
