Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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