i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
