I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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