i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
