My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
