you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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