He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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