btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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