Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
