And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
