i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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