how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize