her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
