we have pet lesbian snakes
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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