this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
