he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
