i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
