I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
