You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
