my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
