Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
