I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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