fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
