i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
