Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
