His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
