hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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