pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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