I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
