dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She's like a pop up book from hell.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
