i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
