Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
People in love make me want to vomit
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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