I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
