As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
