im about as happy as oj after his trial
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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