i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
