I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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