when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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