You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
