I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Couch. On fire.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
