Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
