woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
