I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
