If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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