she looked like the bat from fern gully.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
