if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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