Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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