Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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