I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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