the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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