i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
